So when I finally do decide to work on a relationship, the other party decides that it’s not worth it to work so hard on it. WTF is that? Grrr I hate the feeling of putting effort into something and then not have it amount to anything.
Maybe I’m not cut out for the relationship game. Bleh.
I heard from somewhere or someone that it’s not about finding the right person, but about being the right person. I wonder if I had known that sooner, if anything would have been done differently.
In a fit of psycho-pms-bitch from hell, I broke up with my wonderful boyfriend. After getting over the initial shock of “Holy fuck what did I just do?!” I felt really strange.
I admit, there was a feeling of dread that had been plaguing the back of my mind for a few weeks already. Everything in our relationship was fine on the surface, but I couldn’t shut that little monster in my head up. It’s that same monster that comes out and whispers, “Hey, why are you two fighting about this anyway? Maybe you two aren’t that good together afterall.” I know everyone has doubts, but I have a terrible habit of thinking too much about my doubts, especially when it comes to relationships. I guess I’m still looking for that perfect one.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a mix of two things: 1. It’ll be okay; 2. I just fucked up one of the best things I’ll ever have. I think the feeling that it’ll be okay comes from the idea that maybe there will be someone out there better for him, or that maybe one day in the future, when I’m an adult and he’s an adult and we’re not 3000 miles away, we can give it another try. But then, the strangling feeling of “I just fucked up” comes along and I worry that he’ll be yet another one that I won’t ever be able to talk to again.
It’s ironic. One of the last things he said to me before I told him we should break up was, “I don’t want to deal with your drama.” I guess in a way, he got what he wanted. What really frustrates me about all this is that I think if we weren’t so far apart from each other, this whole thing could have worked out perfectly.